On Being My Own Muse

I talk frequently about how my creative self enhances my relationships with clients, hence the title "Your Erotic Muse." However I have lately been ruminating on how companionship has grown and nourished my own creative endeavors. 

Before Ava was born I studied English Literature and Creative Writing at a wonderful liberal arts college. I knew I wanted to be a writer, but after school ended I drifted for a couple years due to my uncertainty in how to get where I wanted to go. Something that helped during this time was Neil Gaiman's "Make Good Art" speech. He talks about his goal of becoming a writer as a mountain, and making choices that would bring him closer to the mountain. As I was seeing friends go to grad school and start entry level 9-5 jobs I felt conflicted: neither option felt like it would draw me closer to my mountain. And so I began thinking outside the box (a realm I've always preferred) and eventually decided to try independent sex work. I've discussed the emotional fulfillment being Ava gives me before, but haven't really touched on how it's grown me as a person. 

Becoming Ava has grown and challenged me in ways I could never have fathomed. Meeting people of all ages and from so many different walks of life has enriched my worldview more than any grad program or corporate job ever could. I have learned so much creatively from working for myself and managing every part of my business. I actually learned I have a decent head for business, something I would never have discovered had I not taken this path. I've seen my writing touch and influence people. Another thing I want to add is how much more comfortable I am going outside my comfort zone. In my creative, professional, and personal life I am much more willing to take risks, assert my needs, and follow my bliss. I write more, I read more. I am more careful about who I choose to invest my time and love into and nurture the relationships that matter most to me more than I ever have. 

I was told growing up "to whom much is given, much is expected." Sex work has given me so much, more than I could have imagined. It has expanded and altered the shape of my dreams and what I expect of myself. While I enjoy inspiring others, looking at a new year I am amazed at reflecting how much I am inspired by my work and the people I've met and hope to meet. Thank you all.



Perfect Imperfections

This is a very personal subject for me, one that I never intended to discuss or disclose publicly, not because I'm ashamed in any way, because at the end of the day it's my business. However, as it has to do with my body and has been mentioned in a few reviews I feel it is best to clear the air, and touch on the question of vulnerability. 

I have a minor physical disability. I sustained a prenatal stroke that caused the motor skills, muscle and coordination of my right side to be slightly impaired. Please understand if you haven't met me the effects are not terribly obvious, I am fully ambulatory and use no braces, walkers, or other aids to get around. Most people who casually meet me have no idea, I've even had friends not realize until I mention it. I have chosen to disclose it here because, while it does not limit or take away from my ability to have fully enjoyable intimate experiences, it is apparent in intimate settings. I have never had a client tell me that my physicality  in any way detracted from the quality of their experience with me, most do not even mention it. Likely all you will notice should you meet me is that my right hand is sometimes at an odd angle. 

The other reason I wanted to talk about this is I think there is a perception that providers are perfect little fantasies wrapped in silk lingerie. Even though we all know we are human, sometimes men who contact me act in awe of the persona I portray virtually. And of course, due to the nature of our work we have to put our best foot forward and present the most alluring versions of ourselves. However the beauty I have found in this work, as I have touched on previously, is the vulnerabilities I have been privileged to see from others, and how accepting them enriches their lives. I think that's a two way street and hope that, as is often the case with allowing oneself to be vulnerable, it opens me up to love and support. My other hope is instead of marring the image of the intellectual pin up girl it makes her three dimensional.